


from what we cannot hold (the stars are made)

by sadhyung



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Kissing, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Pining, is this considered slow burn, mention of alcohol and drug use, yeonbin gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:36:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28025586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhyung/pseuds/sadhyung
Summary: “And… Thank you for letting me hear your voice today. I think I needed that.” Yeonjun’s voice is quiet, almost inaudible, but the simple statement makes Soobin’s chest feel a million times lighter. He stares up at the warm yellow-orange colored sky with a light smile on his face as Yeonjun hangs up the phone, thoughts of the many days they’ll be able to spend together when the older boy is feeling better again filling his head.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	from what we cannot hold (the stars are made)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first time ive ever completed a fic so i hope its not too yucky  
> i hope u enjoy regardless :]

“Hey… Is this seat taken?”

Soobin’s head snaps up immediately, startled by the sudden presence next to him, locking eyes with a boy with brightly-colored hair and dark eye bags.

It’s 8 in the morning and he had barely woken up in time for his biology class, nearly falling asleep when he had taken a seat in the lecture room - he’s hardly prepared to take the exam he stayed up all night cramming for, much less to try to interact with a whole other human being.

“Yes. I mean… No? No, it’s not taken, but yes, you can sit here,” Soobin mumbles, clumsily moving his stuff over just a bit so the other boy has some space. They sit in silence for a few seconds, the boy softly tapping the table, before he turns towards Soobin again.

“There’s an exam today, right?” he asks.

“Uh, yeah,” Soobin replies. He takes it as another chance to briefly graze over the other boy’s features, but his gaze quickly flies back up to his hair. He’d blend in with the sticky notes Soobin had stored in his backpack. “I’ve never, uh, seen you in this class before, I think…” Surely he would’ve noticed him.

“Makes sense… Considering I’ve never shown up until now,” The boy replies with a casual shrug.

This bothers Soobin a little. Just a little. Why bother being in the class at all, then?

Before they can get anywhere further in their conversation, their professor finally comes through the door, hauling the exams in behind her.

He flies through it easily, of course, despite his lack of sleep… And apparently the other boy does, too. He stands up before Soobin finishes, walking down to place his questionably completed exam on the front table, then returns to retrieve his bag and ID and leaves. Except, he doesn’t actually grab his ID, no - he takes Soobin’s. They had both been placed next to each other on the desk in the beginning of the class as per request by the professor, but they weren’t close enough to get them mixed up. It took Soobin 20 seconds to realize it, and by the time he whips his head around to watch the fluff of bright yellow hair disappear behind the door, it’s too late. 

Well, fuck.

\--

“What do you mean you lost your ID?” Beomgyu groans on the other end of the line.  
“Okay, I didn’t lose it, but like… This guy took it. And now I have his. But I have no idea where to find him? I’ve never seen him before,” Soobin mumbles back, letting out a soft huff as he plops down on a bench in front of the life science building. 

“What’s his name? Maybe I know him.” Beomgyu offers.

Soobin balances his phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he pulls his bag up onto his lap, fishing out the card. In his picture, the boy’s hair is much darker, and he stares into the camera with a half-grin on his lips. Soobin discovers he’s a year older, and, more importantly… his name. “Choi Yeonjun,” he says into the receiver. 

It takes a few seconds before Beomgyu replies, “...Uh, yeah. Good luck with that. I have class now, see you at home.”

Soobin sputters as Beomgyu almost immediately hangs up the phone, then rolls his eyes as he tucks it back into his pocket. He’s hardly surprised, as it wasn’t the first time his roommate cut him off so abruptly, but the mild annoyance just stacked on top of his stress over the card. God, it was probably going to take him days to find Yeonjun, but by then he probably could’ve already gotten a replacement card but he’d be too indecisive to do anything about it and he literally needed it to survive - he couldn’t get into his room without it, couldn’t eat, couldn’t-

“Soobin?”

Soobin jumps and once again finds himself staring up at the eyes of the boy with brightly-colored hair. All his unnecessary worries suddenly drain away. 

“Oh, thank god… I thought I’d have to go and chase after you…” He stands up, holding out the ID in his hand towards the other boy. They exchange cards, but before Soobin is able to walk away, Yeonjun calls out to him again.

“Hey… uh… do you know if there’s a group chat for the class, or something…? Or maybe a study group, I don’t know,” The older boy says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

Soobin shakes his head, feeling bad for not being able to provide a positive answer. At least, there isn’t anything like that he’s aware of, but it’s not like he gets included in a lot of things either. Yeonjun looks disappointed and Soobin purses his lips. “You finished pretty quickly… It didn’t look like you needed help,” Soobin says.

“I finished quickly ‘cause I didn’t know what I was doing, honestly.” Yeonjun crosses his arms and kicks at the dirt with the toe of his shoe. “It’s hard for me to make it to class most of the time…”

Soobin nods slowly, almost pitying the boy in front of him. They were only about four weeks into the course and already had their first exam, but he seems to be… struggling? He figures now there must be a good reason behind him not showing up, which prompts him to make an uncharacteristic suggestion. “Would you like to study with me then, maybe?”

And this was how Soobin found himself studying with (or rather, teaching) Choi Yeonjun for their 8 am biology class twice a week.

\--

When he enters his dorm room a few days later, Beomgyu is unusually quiet as he watches Soobin from the couch of their shared living space. Soobin throws his bag next to the younger boy on the chair, then scoots over to the small tank they kept their shared pet fish in (aka the only creature Beomgyu would ever show any affection to, he had said). Today is his turn to feed it, so he pulls out the little can of fish flakes, only to pause when he feels Beomgyu’s gaze still on him. Soobin looks up, surprised to see the concentrated expression on his face when they make eye contact.

“Can I ask you something?” His roommate finally says.

“Yeah? What’s up?” Soobin replies, unscrewing the cap of the fish food.

Beomgyu hesitates for a second and looks back down at the papers he has in his lap, drawing circles with his pen. “That guy who stole your ID the other day… Yeonjun. What did he look like?”

Soobin can tell Beomgyu is trying to act casual about it, but it’s throwing him off a little bit. He’s really never seen Beomgyu act so weird about something before. Granted, Soobin had only met him about five weeks ago when he moved in, but he considers them to be relatively close already. At least, Beomgyu treats him like a friend, and they had already adopted a child together (their fish, which Soobin is now realizing he is overfeeding after getting lost in thought). He quickly stops and pats the lid of the tank as if that would make it any better. “He had yellow hair… I dunno… He’s shorter than me, but he’s a year older…?” Soobin says, watching for a reaction.

“He’s also a dick,” Beomgyu finally says, making Soobin’s eyes widen. “I hope you don’t run into him again.”

“I take it you know him, then.” Soobin replies softly with a small frown.

Beomgyu lets out a wry laugh and runs his hand through his hair. “Yeah, you could say that. Really wish I didn’t, though. I haven’t seen him in a long time and I really hope I never have to see him again.” Soobin raises his eyebrows with intrigue as his roommate continues his rant. “He’s selfish. He really doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Trust me, nothing good will come out of getting close to him… So I’d suggest not. He’s… just…”

It seems like there’s more that Beomgyu wants to say before he presses his lips tightly together, but Soobin doesn’t press for details. He simply walks over to the couch, plops down next to Beomgyu, and ruffles his hair in an attempt to reassure him.

Soobin doesn’t tell him that Yeonjun had texted him 5 minutes before he walked in the door or that they already scheduled to meet up the next day. It’s not like they’re doing it for fun, anyway - he’s simply going to study with him… So there’s no harm in hiding it from Beomgyu. He doesn’t need to know if even the thought of Yeonjun upsets him this much… right?

\---

Usually, Yeonjun asks Soobin to meet him in the basement floor of the campus library. It’s quieter down there, since most people prefer the higher floors, but the reception is pretty shit. Soobin guesses Yeonjun doesn’t care, though, since he never sees him pull out his phone while they work… Which is kind of nice, if he’s being honest. Yeonjun is quite friendly. He really does seem to care about the time they spend together, asking questions when he doesn’t understand something, working through the concepts thoroughly. He asks Soobin if he can buy him lunch to make up for ‘wasting his time since he’s already so smart’ sometimes, which Soobin always declines, insisting that it helps him too. Yeonjun does get distracted sometimes, though. He’ll occasionally stare off into space, his gaze empty, but Soobin knows his mind is going a million miles an hour… he just doesn’t know what he thinks about. Soobin begins to wonder how in the world this Yeonjun and the Yeonjun that Beomgyu seems to despise so much are the same person.

One day, a little out of nowhere, Yeonjun asks if Soobin would be willing to come over to his apartment. He says he doesn’t really feel like going to campus today and there’s a nice place on the rooftop to study, if Soobin doesn’t mind too much.

Yeonjun lets him into the building and Soobin’s interest is mildly piqued. They don’t stop by Yeonjun’s unit, though he’s itching to ask, but he suppresses the request, not wanting to overstep. They sit together on the roof and fall into their usual routine (which, honestly, has slowly transformed into half-studying and half-goofing around) for a decent amount of time… up until the sky turns an ominous gray and the clouds begin to swell with the threat of rain and forces them inside. They’re lucky they already got a good amount of work in before the rain started pouring in, because Yeonjun seems mildly uncomfortable about inviting Soobin into his room, but does so anyway out of courtesy. 

The door to his bedroom swings open with a light push. The two file in, Soobin’s gaze immediately snapping towards the paper-covered wall with stars in his eyes; he’s surprised, yet at the same time, it doesn’t seem out of place. Most of it is notebook paper with scribbles of words on it, random phrases, but there are also magazine clippings, some pictures here and there, and even something cut from a textbook. It’s clear his collection had been growing for a while, climbing up the solid black wall like thick vines.

“Oh god, the poor trees…” Soobin mumbles dumbly.

“More like, aw, the poor Yeonjun, his supposed study buddy keeps getting distracted by every little thing and won’t actually help him.” Yeonjun huffs and falls back onto his bed. “Besides, am I not doing the environment a favor by keeping them up there instead of throwing them away? Like, yeah, recycling exists, but technically they are being recycled in a way, and oh my god can you please stop reading them it’s actually really embarrassing—“

“Alright!” Soobin cuts him off, spinning to face him with a soft grin on his face. He slides over to the bed and reaches for the book in the older boy’s hand. “Then let’s continue.”

Yeonjun yanks it back with a scowl and shakes his head. “No, I’m done. It’s useless.” He tosses it behind his head and Soobin cringes a bit at the concerning sound of papers fluttering all over the floor. “You,” Yeonjun points at Soobin, “have become a terrible study partner, you know that?” 

Soobin is nearly offended, but didn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes with a small laugh. “Okay, please, I only got distracted like, twice—“

“Three times.” Yeonjun corrects.

“Three times—“

“Exactly! We can’t both have shitty attention spans. It’s hard enough as it is for me, when your face looks like that.” He makes an exaggerated gesture over his own face.

Soobin chooses to ignore the comment, not really sure if it’s supposed to be a compliment or an insult. He feels awkward standing there suddenly while Yeonjun’s on the bed, so he opts for the small desk chair tucked away to the side — before realizing it’s occupied by an accumulation of abandoned hoodies and clutter. He taps the top of the chair with his fingers then turns back towards Yeonjun with an awkward smile. “If- If we’re done, do you want me to go…?”

Yeonjun tilts his head a little. “Do you want me to tell you to go?”

“Um, well...” Tugging at his ear, Soobin hesitates, unsure as to what to do since Yeonjun now wears a vague look of disinterest on his face. “It’s up to you…”

“No, it’s up to you.”

“Why do I have to decide!”

“Because you’re the one who brought it up!” Yeonjun chuckles and it makes Soobin smile a little, realizing it’s the first time he’s ever really heard the older boy laugh. “I have to start working on an essay…” Yeonjun starts again, and Soobin starts to nod in understanding, but Yeonjun cuts him off before he can go. “Stay until it stops raining.”

The corners of Soobin’s lips quirk up into a small smile.

They make room at the desk for him to sit at as Yeonjun sits on his bed with his headphones in, typing away on his laptop. They don’t talk for the remainder of the time Soobin is there, but he occasionally steals glances at the older boy, watching the way he scrunches up his eyebrows as he tries to concentrate. When Yeonjun’s eyes flick upwards and meet his after a little while, Soobin can’t tell if the rain starts beating harder against the window or if it’s his heart going just a little faster.

Soobin likes this. He likes the time he spends with Yeonjun, even if it’s never anything more than studying. 

Later that night, as Soobin crawls under the thin blanket of his bed, the glow of his screen illuminates the quiet room.

Yeonjun. [12:03:45 AM]  
How does Friday at 3 sound?

-

Friday at 3 did not end up sounding good.

He sighs as he answers the incoming call from Beomgyu, scrambling to think of a good excuse for his absence.

“Hel—“

“What’s taking you so long?”

“Listen, I kinda, uh, forgot?” Yeonjun raises an eyebrow at this, mouthing a ‘who’s that?’ to which Soobin just shook his head.

Beomgyu scoffs from the other end. “We eat together every Friday, how the hell did you forget?” 

“I mean… something else just came up, so…” As Soobin fumbles for words, the boy sitting next to him leans in closer and cups his hands around his mouth before yelling “Pass the weed!” with a deep voice into the receiver. Soobin gives him a not-so-gentle kick to the shin and shoots him a stern look. “I’m at… gardening club?” Soobin chokes out unconvincingly.

“Gardening club.” Beomgyu deadpans at the same time Yeonjun snorts. “I swear to god, if you’re doing something illegal without inviting me, I’m really gonna—“

“I’ve got plants to attend to, I’m hanging up. Bye!” Soobin quickly kisses the receiver with a loud smack, regretting it immediately, then hangs up and puts his phone down on the table.

Soobin looks over to Yeonjun who’s giving him an amused grin. “You make me feel so scandalous. Who was that, your mom or your girlfriend?” 

“Neither, I don’t even have a girlfriend,” he represses the big fat ‘I’m gay!’ trying to slip from his throat, “it was just... someone.” He knows he can’t bring up Beomgyu’s name in front of Yeonjun.

“Boyfriend?” Yeonjun tries.

“Shut up.” Soobin gives him a light kick again and he laughs, but the smile on Yeonjun’s lips slowly grows limp as the younger boy leans in closer again to look back at Yeonjun’s open textbook. 

-

The two did not really talk outside of their periodic study sessions, as Soobin never saw Yeonjun around campus, and Yeonjun never showed up to their shared class. Despite this, the older boy slowly became a bigger presence in Soobin’s life - perhaps because he had very little friends outside of Beomgyu, or because he rarely found reason to go out before - but he found himself doing little extra things for him, even if they weren’t necessarily friends.

Soobin has a habit of carrying sticky notes everywhere he goes, scrambling to write down things he thinks about, even if they are just arbitrary passing thoughts. When in class, Soobin started writing more things he thinks would be helpful for Yeonjun on them. This eventually translates into him writing things about Yeonjun when he wasn’t in class, instead studying for a different one, when suddenly the idea to get coffee for the older boy during their next study session pops into his head and he scribbles it down. He wonders what kind of drinks he likes. He wonders what other classes he’s taking, or what he’s majoring in. Sometimes, Soobin finds himself just tracing out the letters of Yeonjun’s name as he picks his brain for ways to get closer to him.

He’s not obsessed, really. Soobin simply thinks a lot, and Yeonjun just happens to be the subject of his thoughts.

“What’re you writing?” Beomgyu asks as he approaches, sliding into the seat across from Soobin, leaning over with his chin propped up with his hands.

“That’s none of your business,” Soobin retorts as he quickly tears the sticky note off, but instead of hiding it away, sticks it onto Beomgyu’s forehead. The younger boy frowns and pulls it off, reading it aloud as Soobin leans back into his seat with his arms crossed.

“‘Please stop making my thoughts so fat’? Amazing. How… profound.” Beomgyu mumbles, flicking the paper back towards Soobin, unimpressed. He takes a sip from the cold coffee he’d just ordered in the cafe they were currently sitting in, making a face at the unexpected bitterness. “So when are you going to tell me about your big fat crush on whoever you’re writing these for?”

“Okay, I don’t have...a big fat crush on him. No.” He scrunches up his nose in disgust, but deep down a tiny little butterfly flutters in his stomach. “We just talk, sometimes. I wanna be friends,” he emphasizes the last word, “But I don’t really know how to talk about stuff that isn’t class-related.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s why you keep ditching me for him, right? To be friends.” Beomgyu stares at Soobin like he’s a huge idiot. “What’s his name? Major? What does he like? What class do you have with him, anyway?”

“Last time I checked, that is, once again, none of your business.” Soobin smiles despite feeling a little inkling of guilt for lying to his roommate. Well… he wasn’t… lying. He was just hiding it. There’s a difference.

“How am I supposed to help you if I have no information about him,” Beomgyu whines a little, pouting, before the expression drops after a few seconds of silence. He picks at the lid of his cup for a little, then looks back up into Soobin’s eyes tentatively. “Is it… Yeonjun?”

Soobin, suddenly feeling warm, bites the inside of his cheek as he holds Beomgyu’s gaze and hopes he doesn’t notice the way his heartbeat picks up a little. “No.”

Beomgyu tilts his head and he knows he doesn’t fully believe him. “If it is, then… it’s okay, you know?”

“Yeonjun doesn’t even show up to class,” Soobin reaffirms, shaking his head with a nervous chuckle, and doesn’t miss the fleeting look of relief that flashes in Beomgyu’s eyes before he gives him a smile in return, taking another sip.

Now Soobin was lying.

\--

Yeonjun. [2:31:42 PM]  
Where are you right now?

Soobin. [2:32:51 PM]  
In my dorm, why?

Yeonjun. [2:33:40 PM]  
You left one of your notebooks behind the other day… I’m near your building, I’ll come up and give it to you.

Soobin looks over at Beomgyu sitting across from him in mild panic.

Soobin. [2:34:32 PM]  
Wait, no. Let me go to where you are.

After Yeonjun texts his location to Soobin, he hurriedly fixes his hair and practically runs out the door.

“Hey, um...” Yeonjun mumbles as he holds out the notebook for the other boy to take.

“Hm?” Soobin replies, unzipping his bag to put it inside.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” Yeonjun says after a while, uncharacteristically quiet. Soobin looks visibly confused, so Yeonjun continues. “Like, I’ve just been thinking, this is probably all just a burden for you, isn’t it? It was pretty weird of me to ask in the first place. We don’t have to continue.”

Soobin mentally freaks out, trying to figure out words to say all while his heart feels like it’s being squeezed in his chest. “Why… Why not?”

“I mean… I can tell you don’t want to....”

He could not be any more wrong. “What are you talking about?”

Now it’s Yeonjun’s turn to look a little confused, furrowing his brows as he stares at the younger boy carefully. “You’re always a little... closed off. You always leave right when you get the chance and you never let me pay you back… You always say no when I offer to buy you lunch. You never let me come up to your dorm when I’ve let you into mine, and you even told that person on the phone you were doing drugs instead of saying you were with me-”

“The drug thing was partially your fault, though,” Soobin interjects.

“-The point is, you don’t have to do this anymore if you still think it’s gonna make your boyfriend jealous, and I’m not trying to pursue you in a romantic way-”

“Oh my god. Oh my god, what? Yeonjun… What?” Sure, Soobin is guilty of doing some of the things he listed without realizing it, but he has no idea how in the hell Yeonjun jumped to the conclusion about this secret boyfriend thing. “I seriously, genuinely, really, do not have a boyfriend, and you have never once been a burden to me… It’s really not what you think at all,” he frowns a little. “I didn’t know how to take the next step… I’m not very good at all that. But I want to be friends with you. I was really hoping we could be.”

They stare at each other quietly for a little bit and Yeonjun looks completely blank, but Soobin can tell he’s extremely embarrassed over his wrong assumption. Soobin finds it cute, somehow.

“Do you want to get lunch with me?”

\--

Two weeks later, when they start getting closer to their next exam, Yeonjun finally calls for a break. He stretches out his limbs with an over-exaggerated sigh, then drops his hand down onto Soobin’s head, sliding it down to his ear and tugging on it softly. 

“I’m tired of work… Let’s do something fun. Please?” Yeonjun looks up at Soobin with his lower lip jutted out and puppy dog eyes on display, to which he couldn’t help but comply with his request. Not that Soobin would’ve declined it, anyway. After their stupidly dramatic declaration of their desire to become friends, the two found themselves spending more and more time together.

“Fun… like what?” Soobin blinks

Yeonjun doesn’t hesitate. “Movie? Please?” He says, lightly poking at Soobin’s cheek, and he quickly agrees. “But, uh… we’d have to watch it in my room… I’d rather not have my roommate walk in on us…”

Soobin gives the other boy a side glance. “So what if he does?”

“Cause then he’ll want to join us and that is simply not allowed.” Yeonjun states. Soobin raises his eyebrows and laughs, following behind the older boy as he gets up and starts walking away.

This is the second time Soobin has gotten to see Yeonjun’s room. 

This time, Yeonjun leaves space for Soobin to sit next to him on his bed. Surprisingly, it isn’t as awkward as Soobin originally feared; both their backs are pressed to the backboard and the bed was big enough to where they each still had some personal space. Yeonjun pulls his laptop over towards them, bringing it to life with the flick of his finger, then shoots a glare towards Soobin. “Don’t look at my password.”

Soobin rolls his eyes with a chuckle and glances away, scanning the contents on his floor instead. The room isn’t any cleaner from the last time he saw it; it’s probably messier now, even. Things were tossed carelessly around without a thought and Soobin is half tempted to ask Yeonjun if he could just come over to clean up sometime instead. 

“Don’t look at my floor, either. Or my wall. Or anything, really, it’s all embarrassing. Stop- Stop looking!” Yeonjun shakes him, and Soobin can’t help but smile again. 

He nudges Yeonjun’s shoulder with his and looks back at the computer screen. “Calm down, dude. What are we watching?” He pulls up his legs to cross them and straighten up.

“Did you just call me dude? That’s so gross. But, um, I have no idea.” 

They spend at least 20 minutes trying to come to a decision, scrolling through tons of movie titles, until finally Yeonjun just clicks on a random one to cease their indecisiveness. It looks pretty bad — neither of them had seen or even heard of it before, but it’s salvation from the awkwardness that would surely ensue if they try spending another 20 minutes scrolling.

“People who suffer together grow closer,” Yeonjun justifies with a sure nod before pressing play and leaning back.

Just as they suspected, it is terrible. However, Yeonjun makes it more bearable with his ridiculous comments every so often (Soobin usually would’ve minded this, but because it was Yeonjun, it was okay). As they near what Soobin assumes (and hopes) would be the end, the little stream of commentary stops, and Soobin peeks over at the older boy just as a man is getting swallowed whole by piranhas on screen. Yeonjun had fallen asleep, it seems. His eyelashes fan out prettily against his cheeks, one of which is squished against his shoulder, and a few strands of hair falls over his eyes. His mouth hangs slightly open, but no noises escape his lips. Yeonjun looks peaceful and quiet, for once — He looks pretty, Soobin thinks. Pretty.

He sits there and stares for a while, then decides it’s weird, and looks away to see the credits rolling up the screen. Not wanting to disturb the sleeping boy, Soobin reaches over to close his laptop quietly then slides off the bed, making sure not to step on anything scattered on his floor. He places the computer on a stack of papers, just in case Yeonjun was the type to kick it off his bed. Soobin sighs.

He should probably leave, right? It’d be creepy if he stayed, wouldn’t it? But Yeonjun is asleep, and he can’t think something’s creepy if he’s sleeping. He can’t think Soobin’s weird for shuffling over to his mass wall of paper, or for pouring over the handwritten notes that Yeonjun was so embarrassed of before, even though most of them are short and make no sense to him. He can’t think Soobin’s weird for noticing the single orange sticky note glowing like a warm flame among the clustered white pieces surrounding it. He can’t think Soobin’s weird for feeling an odd buzzing warmth in his chest after realizing the sticky note is his sticky note, one that Yeonjun must’ve stolen from Soobin’s notebook when he left it behind, with a short quote he’d heard somewhere, somehow: “from what we cannot hold the stars are made.”

Soobin smiles and pulls another sticky note out of his bag, grabbing a stray pen off Yeonjun’s desk to write him a short note that reads ‘see you soon, sleepyhead.’ and sticks it on the laptop.

As he leaves, Soobin makes sure to close the door gently to not wake the sleeping boy, not noticing he isn’t even sleeping anymore. 

\--

“What’s my contact name in your phone, Soobinnie?” Yeonjun asks one day.

They had begun having lunch together occasionally at this point. After discovering Yeonjun usually ate alone or sometimes skipped lunch entirely despite the invites he extended to Soobin before, Soobin was not having it; he swore he’d make sure Yeonjun started taking better care of himself, even though Yeonjun insisted he was fine with it and that he liked eating alone anyway.

“It’s just Yeonjun.” Soobin answers with a shrug.

Yeonjun frowns. “Are you serious? That’s so lame. Change it.”

“You say that as if your ‘study buddy’ is any better. But fine, I guess, what do you want me to change it to, then?”

Yeonjun flashes him an evil grin and holds out his palm. Soobin stares at him skeptically before slowly handing his phone over, not trusting whatever he plans on entering. 

When Yeonjun proudly returns the phone, a light blush dusts his cheeks as he realizes the other boy changed his own name to my favorite hyung. “Were the heart emojis at the end really necessary?” Soobin squints at him. 

Yeonjun smiles triumphantly. “Obviously. I’ll change your name to ‘my favorite Soobin’ with a bunch of hearts in my phone, and then we’ll be matching.”

Soobin wanted to kick himself for letting such a small, meaningless comment make his heart skip a beat. 

Following that moment, every time he caught a brief glance of a notification from a name with a million and one hearts, he felt his own speed up just a little like it did the first time.

They text about everything. Anything. Day and night, every day, whenever they can’t see each other. Soobin finally finds out what kind of drinks he likes, what other classes he’s taking, what he’s majoring in, and so, so much more. He still finds himself tracing out the letters of Yeonjun’s name, but this time it’s accompanied with a warm feeling in his chest. 

Beomgyu makes it a point to tease him every time he smiles down at his phone, trying to steal it out of his hands - and he does at some point, reading the texts out loud as Soobin chases him and tries to take it back.

Eventually, there came a day where Yeonjun didn’t reply to Soobin’s good morning text. He stares at the small ‘read’ that appeared under his message the whole day, getting a little worried at the sudden change of pace. They hadn’t fought and Soobin certainly didn’t think he did anything wrong… So perhaps something happened to Yeonjun to where he couldn’t reply. He checks his phone often during class, barely able to focus… What if something bad happened to him? Soobin’s concern keeps building up until he decides to call him in the afternoon.

He sits down on a bench near one of the parks on campus, holding his phone up to his ear after he dials Yeonjun’s number and listens to it ring. He almost gives up as it continues for a long while with no answer, frowning a little in disappointment, before suddenly Yeonjun picks up.

“Hello?” He says, softly.

“Hyung!” Soobin starts, perhaps a bit too excitedly. “Are- Are you okay?”

“Ah, Soobinnie… Yeah, I’m okay,” he replies, but contrary to his words, Soobin thinks he sounds a little… far away?

“Oh,” Soobin says a bit dumbly, leaning back further against the bench as he stuffs his other hand in his pocket and looks up at the darkening sky. “Did you go to your classes today…?”

Yeonjun pauses for a brief moment. “No, I- I slept, actually. I’ve just been… doing stuff.”

“I thought maybe something bad happened, so I just… called to check. I hope I didn’t bother you.” Then, Soobin adds as an afterthought, “I missed you.”

“No, you aren’t bothering me… Today I just haven’t been feeling well… So I’ll go ahead and hang up now if that’s okay with you… We can talk tomorrow, yeah…?” Soobin is a little disappointed by his response, not wanting to go so soon. But at the same time, he understands - he wants Yeonjun to start feeling better as soon as possible and doesn’t want to pry too much out of him.

“Of course, hyung. I hope you feel better soon.” 

“And… Thank you for letting me hear your voice today. I think I needed that.” Yeonjun’s voice is quiet, almost inaudible, but the simple statement makes Soobin’s chest feel a million times lighter. He stares up at the warm yellow-orange colored sky with a light smile on his face as Yeonjun hangs up the phone, thoughts of the many days they’ll be able to spend together when Yeonjun is feeling better again filling his head.

There are a few more days like this every so often where Yeonjun isn’t feeling well enough to text. Soobin doesn’t know why or any of the other details, but he never asks, figuring if Yeonjun is comfortable sharing that with him that he’d tell him.

On these off days, Soobin doesn’t call like he did the first time, but he does leave one voice note for him at the end of each day. He talks about what he did that day - the way the girl sitting next to him in calc knocked over her water bottle and got his notes all wet, when he had to go to the pet store to buy more food for his fish and met a really creepy store associate, or even just about the squirrel he saw laying completely flat on the ground with its legs out. Soobin always makes sure to end it with “Talk to you tomorrow, Hyung!” hoping that’s enough to signal to Yeonjun that he isn’t expecting him to reply until he feels up to it. Yeonjun never brings up the voice notes the next day, so Soobin isn’t sure how he feels about them, but he really hopes it helps, even if just a little.

\--

The semester seems to get a little bit brighter when he shows up on time to their 8 am biology class and, for once, sees Yeonjun sitting in the chair next to his. 

Yeonjun turns around and greets Soobin with a wide smile as he waves him over. He crosses his arms proudly as Soobin slides into his seat and gives him a grin. “You’re proud of me for showing up, right?”

Soobin looks at him and rests his cheek on his fist. “Mm, should I be? That’s kind of your duty as a student, you know.”

Yeonjun pouts and reaches over to gently pinch Soobin’s other cheek, leaning in closer. “Come onnnn, Soobinnie, you’re supposed to be more enthusiastic than that! I even brought you something to celebrate.”

“What did you-”

“My love and affection,” Yeonjun says without missing a beat, blowing an air kiss to Soobin. 

The younger boy looks unfazed for a second, then scrunches up his nose. “Keep it.”

Yeonjun isn’t bothered by Soobin’s reaction, as this is how they normally go now after Yeonjun grew a little clingier. He scoots closer as their professor walks in, occasionally “accidentally” nudging Soobin’s shoe with his or spinning absentmindedly in his chair as she drones on with the lecture. It’s incredibly distracting (and Soobin usually would’ve minded this, but because it was Yeonjun, it was okay).

He pulls off one yellow sticky note from the stack sitting on his desk and writes breakfast? before sticking it on Yeonjun’s (unopened) notebook.

Yeonjun writes something back, passing it to Soobin again.

No <3

Soobin pouts and draws a line through the heart to make it look broken, then Yeonjun writes underneath it, just kidding, nothing would make me happier.

They bump shoulders all the way to the cafe they decide to eat at, their hands brushing up against each other once or twice. 

\--

Soobin is sitting on his bed on his laptop when suddenly Beomgyu busts through the door without warning. He flops down on top of his legs, face planting against the comforter, then lets out a quiet groan. “I got confessed to.”

Soobin looks up, moving his legs a little under the boy. “Aren’t you supposed to be happy about something like that?”

Beomgyu turns his head to meet Soobin’s gaze. “I’m both flattered and gay.”

Soobin gives a knowing nod and reaches down to give his head a small pat. “What’s it like to be such a womanizer?”

“Shut up, at least you have someone now… you lucky loser,” the younger boy replies, grabbing at Soobin’s wrist to pull his hand away, but then suddenly tightens his fingers around it. “And don’t even deny it, either. You go out way more than any introvert I’ve ever met. You look so happy ditching me, it’s gross.”

Soobin shakes his hand in Beomgyu’s grasp. “What is with people and assuming I have a boyfriend! I literally don’t! You’d be the first to know.”

“You’re totally into him, at least. And you’re cute, so he’s definitely into you.” Beomgyu easily rolls his eyes, moving to squish himself next to Soobin instead. “Hey, wanna know a secret?” He says, nudging Soobin’s side.

“What?” Soobin replies, eyes trained back on his laptop.

“I had a gross little crush on you for like, 10 seconds before.” Beomgyu confesses with a disgusted expression.

Soobin narrows his eyes at him and furrows his eyebrows. “You’re lying.”

“I’m totally serious. Then... I thought you were straight.” They both burst out laughing as if it’s the funniest thing in the world.

\--

Yeonjun collapses on his floor as soon as the two clear enough space for two bodies to stretch out on it. After Yeonjun started actually showing up for class, they stopped using study time as an excuse to hang out with one another, leading to Soobin eventually asking Yeonjun to clean his room after all, because he was already tired of tripping over things as soon as he came in. They decided to work together, of course, except they were never good at working together; as soon as Soobin had picked up a stray pillow off the floor and smacked Yeonjun on the back with it, a battle broke out, thus their mission was already doomed.

Soobin flops down next to the older boy. They both stare up at the ceiling with content sighs, not saying anything, just lying there for a bit. Light filters through Yeonjun’s ugly brown curtains and casts a soft orange glow into the room as the sun sinks down behind the complex across the street. The buzzing silence floats around them comfortably, curling around their chests, lulling them into a warm, sleepy state. For once, Soobin thinks he has an idea of what ‘home’ means.

“It’s 11:11,” Yeonjun hums, pointing at an old clock hanging on his wall. “Make a wish!”

The clock is way off and has probably been stuck for a long while; it’s definitely only around 6 or 7, at least, but a soft smile blooms on Soobin’s lips, and he makes a wish anyway.

“Now tell me what it is.”

Soobin responds by rolling over lazily on top of Yeonjun, squishing the poor boy with half his upper body and feeling triumphant after squeezing a few half-whine, half-laughs out of him. “I wished you would stop leaving your stinky socks all over the floor so that we could do something fun instead of cleaning.” Soobin flicks said socks away from his head with a disgusted look. But, to be fair, it did look considerably better than when he first saw his room.

Yeonjun pushes against his chest as a feeble attempt to get him away and cranes his neck upwards when Soobin turns to look at him, too close for comfort. “It’s not nice to insult people while you’re trying to suffocate them!” Yeonjun yells, but Soobin can hear the smile in his voice. Soobin returns to his original position flat on his back next to Yeonjun anyway. 

“What about you?” Soobin says after another small pause. 

“Hmm.” Now, Soobin is looking over at him rather than the ceiling, and can see the corners of Yeonjun’s lips almost unnoticeably quirk upwards. “I wished that it hadn’t taken me this long to find moments like these.”

Soobin lets that stir in his mind for a moment. “What do you mean?”

Yeonjun shrugs, but he knows exactly how to answer the question. “Just… cause… Honestly, before I met you, Soobinie, things were really hard.” He pauses for a bit, collecting his thoughts. “It was so hard to wake up every morning. It was so hard trying to force myself to care about the world when the world didn’t seem to care about me. I barely did anything, hardly had the energy to eat… every single day genuinely felt so empty. I hated it so much. Sometimes I couldn’t even bring myself to go outside and do things that would make me happy, like talk to you. ”

Soobin sat quietly, waiting for him to continue, willing away the urge to try to squeeze his hand.

“You probably wouldn’t have guessed all that. I really doubt you even know how much you’ve helped me… but I’m really grateful. I’m not saying you’ve fixed me by any means, just that you’ve helped me find little things to be happy about again that I had a hard time seeing before.”

The sunlight traces Yeonjun’s profile and his locks bounce against his forehead as he turns to meet Soobin’s gaze. His voice is caught in his throat, so all he can do is stare at the glowing boy next to him with his mouth hanging slightly open. Yeonjun’s eyes flicker back and forth between Soobin’s, a sad smile resting on his lips. They stay like this for what feels like forever. 

He moves closer to Soobin and rests his head against his shoulder, letting his eyes fall closed. “Or maybe I’m just saying a bunch of bullshit, but who knows,” he mumbles and squishes his cheek against the other boy with a content smile.

Then, the comfortable buzzing silence resumes. They lay there next to each other in silence for a long while until soft snores begin to slip from Yeonjun’s lips.

Soobin watches the rise and fall of his chest. He moves his free hand up and it hovers over Yeonjun’s head for a while, hesitant to touch him at first, but he finally finds the courage to smooth out the older boy’s bright yellow hair. It’s soft to the touch, not that Soobin is surprised, and he feels the urge to rake his fingers through it — so he does, and a little warmth fills his chest when Yeonjun seems to lean into his touch in his sleep.

A thought resurfaces that Soobin had had before. Yeonjun looks pretty when he sleeps. The calmness that took over his features is a rare sight; he looks harmless, peaceful, happy. However, Soobin thinks, Yeonjun looks even prettier when he smiles, or laughs, or when he is pouring his heart out into his words. Yeonjun feels a lot, and Yeonjun feels deeply, and that’s when he looks the prettiest.

Soobin caresses the older boy’s head to gently lift it up, then places it down on the floor carefully. He pauses for a second, then, thinking of something, grabs the abandoned pillow he had smacked Yeonjun with before and rests Yeonjun’s head on top of it instead. He considers picking him up to put him on his bed, but deems that as being too much and just lets him continue to nap on the floor.

Soobin hesitantly stands up and dusts off his shirt. He’s been there for four hours already… but he really doesn’t want to leave, not anymore. He wants to wake Yeonjun up and tell him how happy he is and that he wants to continue being there for him for a long, long time. He wants to lay down next to him again and pull him closer, wrapping his arms around the older boy’s smaller frame. He wants to tell Yeonjun how much he means to him, too… but he doesn’t. Not yet, at least. Before he leaves, though, he reaches into his bag to pull out a stack of orange sticky notes. On it, he writes out a short message and, smiling to himself, sticks it on Yeonjun’s wall of papers, right next to the other sticky note Yeonjun had thieved from him. The message is small and dumb, and truthfully he isn’t quite sure how much weight the words hold, but it feels right.

I like you when you’re sleeping, but I like you more when you’re not. 

\--

Soobin knows.

He is definitely, 100% sure of it now.

Soobin has big fat feelings for Choi Yeonjun.

He notices it in the way he’s always hyper-aware of his presence when they’re together. He thinks about how if he moves his hand just a liiiiittle bit closer, his fingers might brush up against Yeonjun’s. He thinks about how he wants to cup his cheeks and hold him close and run his fingers through his hair. He wants to hear Yeonjun’s laugh and admire the way his face lights up when Soobin tries to make him smile. He wants to make Yeonjun the happiest boy on the planet.

“Hey, are you even listening to me?” Yeonjun says, waving his hand in front of Soobin’s face.

Truthfully, he hadn’t been, because he was way too focused on the way Yeonjun suddenly linked arms with him as they were standing in line and wow, wow, he is very close. Soobin looks down at him and blinks before his cheeks grow even warmer and his lips curl up into a smile. “Yes?”

“I said, you look very boyfriend-y today,” Yeonjun repeats and Soobin’s mind simply goes what the fuck at the sudden compliment, “And there’s a girl sitting over there that seemed to notice. She has not stopped staring at you… Seriously…”

Soobin’s head whips around to see which girl Yeonjun is talking about, only to feel a tug on his arm in protest. “Hey! Don’t look for her! If you make eye contact she might think you’re flirting,” he whines.

“How is making eye contact flirting?” Soobin gives Yeonjun an incredulous look to which the older boy pouts.

“Okay, fine. Just don’t look at her cause I want your full attention, then.” Yeonjun replies and Soobin really, really tries his best to not freak out and start smiling like an idiot (and he fails).

They don’t unlink arms even as they place their orders and wait for them to be finished, or even as they walk out of the cafe and have their other hands occupied with their drinks. They continue talking and walking just like that, Yeonjun acting utterly unaffected by it, until Soobin has a sudden burst of confidence and moves his hand down Yeonjun’s arm to lace their fingers together instead. Yeonjun doesn’t say anything about it, but he gives Soobin’s hand a small squeeze and swings their hands together, much to Soobin’s delight.

They’re on their way to Yeonjun’s apartment and they almost make it off campus before Yeonjun suddenly drops his hand in the middle of their conversation. He stops walking completely too, falling out of step with Soobin. Soobin looks at him, confused, only to notice that Yeonjun’s face has suddenly gone pale and he’s staring straight ahead. He looks forward to see what he is staring at, only to regret it immediately.

Beomgyu is standing a few paces in front of them, also stopped with a panicky expression on his face that soon turns into one of… anger?

Beomgyu’s gaze flicks from their hands, which were now separated, to Soobin, then to Yeonjun. Soobin prepares for the worst, waiting for Beomgyu to open his mouth and say something…

Only, he doesn’t. Beomgyu continues walking forward without looking them in the eye again, marching straight on, running into Yeonjun’s shoulder harshly as he passes. Yeonjun looks down. A few moments of silence pass.

“That was…” Yeonjun trails off.

“I understand,” Soobin says, but Yeonjun immediately starts shaking his head.

“No, no you really don’t.” He clenches his fist and releases it, reaching up to rake his hand through his hair as he lets out an exasperated sigh.

“I- I really do, it’s okay,” Soobin tries again.

“No, Soobin, you do not. I know I opened up to you and I know you think you know every little thing about me but there is still so much you have no idea about, okay? So just… don’t say that. Please.” Yeonjun gets visibly frustrated, and if Soobin’s honest, the words sting a little bit.

“I… Beomgyu is my roommate.” He says. The truth was bound to come out eventually… he just wishes it wasn’t now.

Yeonjun stares hard at him and lets out a sudden, short, choked laugh. “What?”

“Beomgyu… is my roommate… and I know you guys have history,” he replies slowly.

Yeonjun’s expression cycles from anger, to worry, to realization. He starts pacing a little, then turns back to face him. “That’s why you never let me into your dorm, huh? You knew? This entire time you knew and you didn’t tell me?”

“No, I-” Soobin still has no idea what even happened between Yeonjun and Beomgyu, which he assumes is what Yeonjun’s freaking out about now, but he starts panicking hard seeing the way the older boy is reacting that he can’t get the words out and a hot lump forms in his throat. 

Yeonjun can’t look at him anymore, shaking his head as he mumbles to himself. “You know… you know…” He says again, closing his eyes hard and gritting his teeth. “Don’t follow me.”

Soobin watches Yeonjun’s back as he leaves with a heavy weight in his stomach, unable to say anything. He fucked up. Big time.

\--

A week passes by without Yeonjun.

Only a week, but it feels like forever to Soobin.

He doesn’t respond to any of his texts or calls and he doesn’t show up to class, either. He disappeared off the face of Soobin’s earth and he’s genuinely afraid he isn’t going to come back.

All because Soobin decided to keep a stupid little secret without even realizing the full weight behind it.

Though Yeonjun is apparently very angry with him, Beomgyu is a bit of a different story… When Soobin went back to his dorm after Yeonjun had left him, Beomgyu was waiting for him on the couch of their shared living space. He approached carefully, expecting him to be mad, but the younger boy looked sad more than anything.

“I’m not mad at you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Beomgyu had told him almost immediately. “I wish you would’ve told me… that you were hanging out with Yeonjun… but I understand why you didn’t. It hurts a little, but… I don’t have the right to say who you should or shouldn’t spend time with. I also don’t want to be mad at you at all. He’s the one I mostly feel negative feelings towards.”

Hearing this, Soobin was so incredibly relieved, but he still felt guilty. “Beomgyu… I’m sorry for hiding it from you. I just thought you didn’t want to hear about him and so I… lied. I didn’t know how you’d react-”

“Honestly, Soobin, I think if you really were sorry, you would have been honest with me eventually.” Beomgyu cut him off and he winced. “But I’m not going to hold this against you because I know it didn’t come from a malicious place in your heart and you don’t even know what happened between us. So, you can relax… and I would honestly like it if we pretend this never happened. I don’t need to lose anybody else because of him.”

Fast forward a few days until now, where Soobin is thinking back on the conversation between them. He looks up from his phone, making eye contact with Beomgyu, who gives him a soft smile before he looks back down. He’s grateful things between the two of them ended up the way that they did, even though he certainly didn’t deserve it. Beomgyu… is a genuinely kind person. As much as they mess with each other, Beomgyu has always been so good to Soobin. 

He finds himself wondering, once again, how in the world his Yeonjun and the Yeonjun Beomgyu hated so much were the same person.

Soobin presses the photo application on his phone and scrolls to the album full of pictures he and Yeonjun had taken together. The memory from each picture plays out in his head as he scrolls through them and he feels sharp waves of sadness weighing down his chest suddenly. Then he makes the mistake of scrolling up through their texts, reliving the mornings he spent distracted in class cause a very cute boy with bright yellow hair was spamming him with descriptions of his dreams from the night before. All the good nights and the good mornings and the when will I get to see you agains feel like punches to the throat and Soobin just cannot do it anymore. He stands up hurriedly, trying to make it into his room before tears begin to fall, just hoping Beomgyu doesn’t notice.

\--

“I talked to Yeonjun,” Beomgyu whispers, finally.

Soobin’s heart stills. “What?”

Beomgyu still doesn’t make eye contact with him, staring down at the floor. “Today. I saw him. I asked to see him, I mean… so I went to his apartment and we talked.”

It stings a lot, if Soobin’s honest, knowing that they were able to talk when Yeonjun’s been ignoring him for the longest time now. Something like a bunch of hot needles pricking his lungs.

“I thought it would help, and it did, for the most part. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel like I’ve finally gotten closure...but at the same time, there’s a part of me deep down that’s still so, so angry.” The younger boy clenches his fist. “Yeonjun...was the first person I’ve ever loved. And he also ghosted me.”

Soobin very slowly nods his head once in understanding, biting the inside of his cheek. A million thoughts fly through his mind, but he stays silent as he lets Beomgyu continue.

“When you said his name on the phone all those weeks ago, it was so weird. At that point I hadn’t seen him in about a year and a half… You’d think I wouldn’t care anymore, right? You’d think I would’ve gotten over it already. But getting ghosted like that is so different from a breakup, you know. One day he’s there, the next, he isn’t. One day, you’re smiling next to him, thinking about how happy and warm he makes you feel, and how you wanna sit in that feeling forever. Then the next… it just disappears. Every single day you worry a little more, until you realize he isn’t coming back at all, and then every single day after that it eats away at you and you wonder what you did so wrong. Did he think so little of me that I didn’t even deserve an explanation? I know he’s a person and he struggles a lot and he gets hurt easily, but...am I not a person too?”

Soobin hears the tears in Beomgyu’s words without even looking at him. He thinks about the way Yeonjun hasn’t spoken to him in two weeks and won’t even read his texts or answer his calls.

“Our relationship wasn’t the best. I don’t even know if you could call it a relationship, to be honest. But he made me think things were going so well until one little thing set him off and then… Nothing. Gone. He said he still doesn’t forgive himself for what he did to me, and yet… here you are, Soobin. Crying over my story with him because you’re feeling the same thing,” Beomgyu finally catches Soobin’s gaze and shakes his head, and Soobin reaches up to feel his damp cheeks. “He’ll never change.”

“No,” Soobin responds immediately, almost surprising himself. “You’re wrong… he… he isn’t gonna do that to me.”

Beomgyu scoffs and narrows his eyes at Soobin. “I’m wrong? I’m wrong. Then why has it been an entire two weeks since you’ve last talked, huh? Why are you crying right now if I’m wrong?”

“You’re wrong! You’re just wrong, okay! He wouldn’t do that to me. He just needs space,” Soobin raises his voice and grits his teeth, his hands curling into fists on his lap.

“Right, space. That’s what he told me, too. I don’t want you to get hurt like I did, Soobin. Stop telling yourself that! The faster you get rid of that hope the faster you can-”

Soobin abruptly cuts him off by standing up, grabbing his phone quickly off the table, and walking out of the room. The door slams shut behind him and he doesn’t even bother locking it, pacing down the hall, suddenly feeling way too hot inside as he makes his way to the door.

He looks down at his phone as he walks, barely making out words through the blur of the tears sitting in his eyes. His hands are shaky and he nearly drops it a few times but manages to somehow find the contact page, scroll down to the stupidly named my favorite hyung contact, and presses call.

It rings. And it rings. And it rings.

Panic starts filling his lungs and he calls again.

It rings once, twice, then three times, before…

“Hello?” Someone who is definitely not Yeonjun answers.

“Who is this?” Soobin demands immediately, concern growing as he hears the loud pulse of music and people talking loudly in the background. 

The person who picked up the phone giggles a little at Soobin’s question, to his annoyance. “This is San…? Who is THIS?”

“Where is Yeonjun? Tell him it’s Soobin. Please… hurry. Please.” Soobin hopes San can’t hear him sniffle.

There’s a long uhhh and some more laughs in the background before he gets another answer from San. “I dunno who Yeonjun is, but youuu should come join us, Soobinnie~” He slurs, and Soobin can tell he’s definitely drunk and definitely at a party. Since when did Yeonjun go to parties?

Beomgyu, being the more social of the two, was usually up to date with whatever parties might be going on around campus, but since they weren’t exactly on speaking terms at the moment… His only hope is the drunk boy on the phone.

It honestly doesn’t take much coaxing to get the location out of San. He’s surprised by how close it is, too - closer than Yeonjun’s apartment and an easy jog away. As soon as he arrives at the house, he busts through the door, not really caring about the looks he’s receiving for his unkempt appearance, puffy eyes, and tear-streaked cheeks. He pushes past people as he frantically searches for Yeonjun. It doesn’t take long before he spots the annoying yellow haired boy sticking out like a sore thumb sitting on a couch somewhere in the house. It takes Soobin a few seconds to register the position he’s in.

Yeonjun is sitting in the lap of a dark haired boy, his arms wrapped around his neck, and their faces are close. Close as in he is literally shoving his tongue down Yeonjun’s throat. Soobin’s stomach fucking churns.

He stands there staring for a good few seconds and it feels like his stomach has completely dropped out of his body. His chest squeezes. A hot, panicky feeling washes over him and it takes almost everything in him to approach the older boy instead of turning around and running away. His arm comes down hard on Yeonjun’s shoulder which elicits a surprised whine from him, but a slow smile appears on his lips as he turns around and sees Soobin. His eyes are lidded and bloodshot to hell - he’s definitely not in his right mind. “Ohhh? My Soobinnie is here?” He says, seeming to completely forget about the boy he was currently sitting on top of. Soobin takes him by the wrist, refusing to meet the gaze of the third party, eyes locked on Yeonjun the entire time as he pulls him off. 

“Soobinnie, that huuuurts,” Yeonjun whines again, weakly following behind Soobin, trying to shake his hand out of his grasp. Soobin gives little regard to his words and is still rough with the other boy when he tugs him into what appears to be an empty bedroom. He closes the door and locks it, pacing to one end of the room, trying to gather his thoughts as Yeonjun slumps against the wall, confused. 

“I haven’t seen you-”

“What the fuck are you doing, Choi Yeonjun?” Soobin cuts him off angrily, turning back to look at him again. He never, ever yells. He’s never felt himself get this heated before, either. 

Yeonjun mumbles a quiet huh, a little less cheerful now, but still wasted and confused. “You knowww, just trying to have a little fun,” he pouts, “I’ve been so sad without you…”

“Then why haven’t you talked to me?” Soobin snaps back. “Where the fuck have you been?”

“Because…You’ll be happy, you know? All I want is for my Soobinnie to be happy,” Yeonjun starts rambling, hanging his head. “You can forget about me and then be happy… So easy…” 

“Are you kidding me…? Do you really think abandoning me out of nowhere is going to make me happy?” Yeonjun looks up slowly and stares at him in silence. “I’ve been waiting for you every day like an idiot, only to find out you were really never gonna come back.”

“I’m just doing what’s best for you,”

“And how the fuck do you know what’s best for me, huh? What gives you any right to fucking say that? You don’t even care about me, do you? I find out what happened between you and Beomgyu and suddenly you wanna run away and throw me away just like you did with him.”

Yeonjun looks mad now, especially at the mention of the other boy. “Fine. You want the truth? I’m fucked up. I get sad all the time. I push people away. I’m an awful person and I hurt Beomgyu. You’re gonna hate me and look at me differently cause of what I did to him and what I’ll do to you. I love you, Soobin, and I don’t want to hurt you too, so that’s why you have to get away.” 

“No. Don’t you dare fucking say that.” Soobin clenches his fist and he feels so, so angry.

“Why not? Why can’t I say it? I love you. I love you and you hate me.” Yeonjun starts raising his voice, still slurring a little.

“You don’t want to hurt me? You’ve already started hurting me! How can you still say that? How dare you say that?” Soobin scoffs. 

I love you. He doesn’t know how long he’s waited to hear those few words from Yeonjun. He had imagined it countless times… He thought that once he heard the older boy finally returning his feelings he’d be the happiest person in the world. But not like this.

I love you, Yeonjun had said to him, probably both wasted and high off his mind, in a dark bedroom of a stranger’s party that he wasn’t even invited to.

“Shut up,” Soobin says again, gritting his teeth, feeling an overwhelming sense of anger well up inside of him. “Just shut up, Yeonjun. Do you know how long I’ve waited? Do you even know how much I’ve been dying to hear that? Why the fuck do you think your confession means anything now? You aren’t even fucking sober and you were just sucking face with a fucking stranger, why couldn’t you just let us be normal, huh?” Each of Soobin’s words comes out choked up and mangled in his throat and he realizes he’s been pushing Yeonjun’s shoulder with every question. Hot tears prick at his eyes and threaten to spill and Soobin does a pretty good job of not letting them fall, up until Yeonjun pulls him closer and wraps his arms around him.

Soobin lets Yeonjun hug him as he buries his face into the older boy’s shoulder, his hand balled up into a fist as it rests against his chest, weakly hitting it. “Why couldn’t you just tell me normally, why does it have to be like this? Why do you have to run away,” he hits Yeonjun’s chest a little harder, “Who cares if I know Beomgyu, who cares what happened between you two in the past… Why would you say that I hate you? Please…” Soobin has been getting louder and louder, but he suddenly grows quiet, grasping the front of the older boy’s shirt as he sniffles. “I need you, Yeonjun. I won’t be happy without you.”

They stay like this for a long time. Yeonjun gently rubs Soobin’s back, deep in thought without saying anything. Soobin’s legs start to hurt, but he doesn’t care, because Yeonjun is here and even the brief thought of Yeonjun running away from him is the most terrifying thing in the world. 

All the negative emotions he had been thrown into all at once start to hit him again and the tears don’t stop coming no matter how hard he tries. He buries his face into Yeonjun’s neck as he cries, trying his best to ignore the way he smells like alcohol, trying his best to not think about the way he basically just confirmed Yeonjun was going to ghost him so he ran off to make out with some stranger. He holds on tightly to his Yeonjun. Soobin is not going to let him go.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun says suddenly, and it only takes half a second before Yeonjun’s pushing him away.

He turns towards the wall, steadying himself with his hand as he vomits all over the carpet. Soobin sighs and wipes his eyes before patting Yeonjun’s back as he continues for a while… he feels bad for him, but he did do this to himself. He was the one who decided to go do something stupid all on his own and it made Soobin’s heart clench in a bad way.

Soobin wraps his arm around Yeonjun as he leads him out of the room, holding on tight. He’s glad the older boy hadn’t gotten any vomit on him yet, but he knows it’s bound to happen soon, so the quicker they get out of there the better. After he shoves through the throng of people and the two of them are able to make it outside, he takes a deep breath of the cool night air, closing his eyes and letting Yeonjun rest against him.

“You really are a mess, aren’t you?” Soobin mumbles, mostly to himself, gently stroking Yeonjun’s head.

Since Soobin doesn’t have a car, he’s left walking with Yeonjun attached to his side, making his arms ache. Even though his dorm is much closer, he truthfully is afraid of how Beomgyu may react to him bringing drunk Yeonjun home, and… he wants to be alone with him, anyway. So, they make the long trek to Yeonjun’s apartment, relief hitting him when he’s able to actually find Yeonjun’s keys in his pocket and that they hadn’t gotten lost or stolen.

Yeonjun’s lost all his energy by now, almost immediately closing his eyes as soon as Soobin lays him down on his bed. He makes sure he’s laying on his side just in case.

In truth, Soobin is extremely exhausted too. He feels almost feverish, the way his eyes and his cheeks burn from crying. This night certainly did not turn out the way he ever thought it would. He wants to forget about it for the time being, to at least get some sleep until he’s able to talk to Yeonjun about it the next day, but he can’t bring himself to leave him. Soobin’s worried Yeonjun will just continue to avoid him… so he stays (on the couch in their living area, a respectable distance away from the sleeping boy). 

\--

Soobin’s trying not to stare as he waits for Yeonjun to wake up, but it’s hard. He’s been asleep for well over ten hours but he dare not wake him - as much as he wants to talk, he’d rather the older boy get in as much rest as possible. Soobin’s gaze trails down his face, down the slope of his nose and over the curves of his cheeks, before falling on his lips. The memory of those lips being pressed against someone else’s from the previous night flashes before his eyes and he clenches his hand over his stomach, trying to repress the sudden itch to punch something. Not that he ever would, no matter how upset he became.

Yeonjun moans in his sleep and turns a little bit, happening to settle in the perfect position where the sun peaking through his curtains falls in his eyes. This causes them to flutter, slowly opening for a brief moment, before he closes them again and turns his back to the window, getting comfortable enough to presumably go back to sleep. But Soobin’s patience has magically worn thin.

“Yeonjun,” he says softly. The older boy’s eyes shoot open immediately and meet his. 

“You’re here-” Yeonjun starts as he scrambles to sit up, but he’s cut off by Soobin shoving a glass of water and two small pills in his direction.

“You were very… disoriented, last night. You’ll need this. Drink all of it. Go and brush your teeth and change your clothes, too…” Suddenly, he’s unable to look Yeonjun in the eye. “...You threw up a lot.”

Yeonjun quietly obeys, slipping away and into his bathroom after swallowing the two pills. 

His room looks every bit as messy as it had the very first time Soobin had seen it. He sighs, leaning down to slowly start picking things up off the floor, trying to find homes for them. Maybe this is a sign that Yeonjun had just as much of a hard time as Soobin did these past few weeks. Soobin hears the shower start running, but it doesn’t last for a very long time - Soobin can tell Yeonjun’s anxious, and he doesn’t blame him.

Soobin picks up a shirt off the ground and brings it up to his nose, very relieved when it smells of laundry detergent instead of anything else. He nervously folds and unfolds it as Yeonjun walks back into the room, hair still wet.

“Why are you here…?” Yeonjun starts carefully, then after realizing the questions sounds a little rude, adds another. “What happened last night?”

Soobin looks back at him, expressionless. “How much do you remember?”

“I went to someone’s house, and… Oh god, did I text you? Or call you?” He replies, his tone flooding with panic. 

Soobin shakes his head. “You didn’t.” He can see the relief briefly coming over the older boy, but little did he know he did something much worse. “I came and, uh, found you…”

Yeonjun watches him expectantly, but Soobin still has a difficult time finding the right words to say. It still stings. Soobin turns his back towards Yeonjun, pretending to continue cleaning up, trying to busy his hands. “I wonder how much you enjoyed making out with that other guy.”

“I… Oh.” There’s a long stretch of silence. He briefly wonders if Yeonjun’s even still standing there. “Why do you care…” 

Somehow, instead of feeling anger rise in him again, Soobin only feels a strong pang of sadness. His shoulders sink as he looks back towards Yeonjun, his lower back leaning against the desk. “You’re seriously asking me that?”

Yeonjun swallows hard. He seems to be trying to find something to say, but still, no words leave his lips, so Soobin continues.

“When we talked for the first time, I thought I’d just help you out once or twice and that was it. But then one day, all of a sudden, looking at you was like seeing the sun for the first time. I felt like I got punched in the chest and I was suddenly drowning in warm feelings. You became the one person I wanted to make happier than anyone else,” He says in almost a whisper. “I guess I’m not alone in that, am I? You love me too, but it doesn’t really feel that way.” 

“I- What?” Yeonjun’s eyes are wide and he takes a step back, and it’s easy to tell he has broken out in a cold sweat.

Soobin stares at him. His eyes flicker back and forth between Yeonjun’s, trying to see anything, everything - all he wants are answers. He chokes out an incredulous laugh. “Isn’t this all so stupid? The way you’ve decided to run away from me out of nowhere?”

“I don’t want to hurt you-”

“Yeah, I’ve heard it all already. But you’ve already hurt me, yet I’m here all the same.” Soobin whispers back, taking a few steps towards Yeonjun. He tentatively places his hands on each of Yeonjun’s cheeks. “That’s not the whole truth, is it? You don’t want to hurt me… But more than that, you’re scared of me leaving you first, aren’t you? That’s why you run. You’re scared of being the one abandoned.”

Yeonjun looks scared, defeated, as if Soobin has seen right through him. In Yeonjun’s heart, there’s a truth to Soobin’s words that he has never considered before. He simply stares back at the younger boy, placing his hands over the ones resting on his cheeks. 

“No matter how many days you don’t feel like talking, no matter how much you try to push me away just because you are scared, no matter what I know about past Yeonjun, I will love you all the same. I have up until now, haven’t I?” Soobin murmurs, voice heavy, resting his forehead against Yeonjun’s. 

Yeonjun smiles sadly in return, closing his eyes as he squeezes Soobin’s hand and shakes his head. “Dropping the L-word when we haven’t even kissed yet, Soobinnie? You’re quite bold.” 

Yeonjun’s words are teasing but meaningful, and Soobin feels relief flood through his body as he finally, finally presses his lips against Yeonjun’s. He feels the older boy reciprocate immediately, their mouths molding together easily. Soobin’s hands fall to wrap themselves around Yeonjun’s smaller waist, holding him closer as he tilts his head a little, slowly moving their lips together. They’re soft, so soft, and Soobin feels dizzy and giddy and heavy and sad all at the same time. 

Soobin eventually pulls away a little, much to his chagrin, placing a soft kiss to Yeonjun’s cheek, then his jaw. “You said you loved me first, you know.”

“That doesn’t count…” Yeonjun pouts a little bit, lifting one of his hands to curl his fingers in Soobin’s hair. 

Soobin reaches up to take Yeonjun’s hands in his, bringing them up to his lips to place soft kisses against them. “Promise me you won’t do that to me again, then. Please… trust me to be able to love you.”

Yeonjun slowly nods, looking Soobin in the eye as he squeezes his hands again. “Okay...” he breathes, “I’ll trust you.”

\-- 

“Hey… Is this seat taken?”

Soobin’s head snaps up immediately, startled by the sudden presence next to him, locking eyes with a boy with brightly-colored hair and dark eye bags.

His boy with brightly-colored hair and dark eye bags.

Soobin laughs, resting his cheek against his palm as he looks up at the still-standing boy. “Yes, unfortunately, I’m saving it for my very cute and clingy boyfriend.” 

“How lucky your cute and clingy boyfriend must be to be dating someone like you,” Yeonjun laughs, slipping into the seat next to him, leaning over to press a soft peck to his cheek. Soobin blinks and immediately flushes, still entirely embarrassed at the prospect of PDA even after being in a relationship for six whole months now. 

Soobin can’t deny that having another class with Yeonjun for this new semester made it a hundred times better. At the same, however, it is also making it a hundred times more distracting once again. 

His eyes are glued to the slides on the screen when a brightly-colored paper briefly flutters in front of his eyes. He is not the least bit surprised when he looks down to see a note from Yeonjun, the very simple message of you look very boyfriend-y today written on it with a small smiley face. A smile immediately blooms on Soobin’s lips and he shakes his head, looking over to the older boy, who’s currently pretending nothing happened and has a (very fake) serious expression on his face as he looks up at the lecturer.

This time, it’s Soobin’s turn to lean over and press a soft kiss to Yeonjun’s cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> wooo! what a ride.  
> perhaps i'll find the motivation to write beomgyu & yeonjun's backstory one day, and give beomgyu a happy ending of his own.  
> thank you for reading!!


End file.
